I’m contemplating deleting yet another tumblr blog again…
I re read these things i wrote and i feel silly and i’m glad I don’t let anyone know em. Sure i’m being human but…it’s not someone dependable or reliable. though the struggles are real, I need to man up or something.
I realized i was being immature with my anger and i’m glad you were able to be patient and show me reason. The fact that we don’t necessarily always agree and it’s not that big of a deal is appealing to me. I don’t need someone who is always agreeing and yes man as convenient as it may be.
Tbh i had a hard time sleeping last night , i slept later again because I was so restless. the uncertainty was getting the better of me again and my mind was fucking with me.
I still feel like there is something amiss…but it’ll come in time or won’t come at all ,especially if there isin’t anything.
It shouldn’t be anything though…i’m just dumb
I don’t understand why I always feel insecure around her. With everyone else I’m confident and I could care less. But with her everything matters and that is just a hindrance anchoring me down. sure I hide it as best as I can but my mind fucks everything up inside.
I should just sleep .
It sucks because there is no one I can confide to except the voiceless God .
Nobody would understand and it would take too long to get them up to speed. Too many explanations too much time. It’s hard but I have to figure this out for myself. No longer will I place myself in position where anyone would judge me and most importantly her unfairly . I can do this I can survive
It stands to reason to know that my mind is fucking with me.
fuck you and see things clearly.
pay attention to facts and the surroundings
stop fooling yourself
I need to stop thinking so much, over analyzing crap
dumb…i guess it makes sense. you eat under the x number of calories to naturally lose weight but that shit is so tedious and could lead to some weird obsession. No thanks
Maybe I should actually search the articles and see if he wrote about it but okay so i’m supposed to work on my jealousy because it’s not attractive to show..and it comes off as insecure. I’m supposed to work on my self esteem and confidence and yet…I understand that with strangers its not a big deal but…what if it’s like my situation. All this crap seems like such bullshit if you’re just going to lose out anyways. So what if I lose out , not succeed but lose out to someone else. I guess i’m thinking about this irrationally. Fuck..
I guess my perspective on it is all wrong
These lyrics and writings don’t really represent my rational perspective. They aren’t necessarily some underlying issue just a form of me venting.
Previously, I let the emotions get the best of me in different circumstances and later I would regret the things I said and acted. So I’m using this blog to not only vent out those emotions but to log it so I can go back and analyze how I felt. I’ll try to commentate what I write as well.
I don’t intend to promote or show anyone this blog but this is important for anyone who does wander on to it randomly. If you even care lol
Three hours.. 50 mins later,
I’m fully awake, because of a dream that’s making my heart race.
You fumbled with your words
that implied something and I take the bait.
Anxiety sets in and fuck it there goes my day.
A thousand miles away you’re sleeping soundly ,
and I’m just sitting here writing..about my nightmares
It’s almost 6am I’m a wake up and see what I wrote later dkkeoemsmsbdjrje
It was pretty weird, I slept late at 2 am and woke up randomly at 6 am because of this dream. I had some things that were irking me consciously but I kind of passed them up but unconsciously it came out in my dreams.
These aren’t really nightmares…thats kind of dramatic. However, they are pretty uncomfortable when I wake up because then i’m left there to face those concerns and anxieties when there is no clear answer. Not even that I wouldn’t know until later. Distance is such a pain. This isn’t a big issue tho, it just stems from a lot of uncertainty
I was working on this song to accompany some sort of beat but I couldn’t find any, so I guess this can be similar to Mackelmore’s Jimmy Iovine around 2:55.
Here are the unfinished crummy outline lyrics:
I want to punch the wooden walls
Just like those back in Boarding School
Splinters in my knuckles crawling deep down inside of you
Through there was hardly any blood, the pain was enough
to numb the Screams…that lit my inside up
Just keep pounding on it, like a __ Bass Drum
All my fears, my jealousy transformed into the plank form
and I wouldn’t stop, not until they break ..or rather till i conformed
Fast forward to now, I feel that’s what I need Except more blood so even Shakespeare can see I need a representation to how I feel, because When I look around, there aren’t any who want to hear My cries, my sorrow, my insecurities Falling on deaf ears, people who couldn’t give a shit about me
If I went to that guy and told him my story,
with a monotone voice this is what he would tell me
Look Joseph, I know you are a great guy.
Your feelings are genuine but they are making you blind
Look at the red flags, just go back and hear what you told me.
You already fucked up, just start a new story.
Stop wasting your time, and just cut all the ties.
You’re just making yourself miserable, and she doesn’t deserve your time.
You’ve already done so much, by now you think she would know
Straight up she doesn’t return your feelings and you should just let go
The above bolded lyrics are sort of out of context. I felt that the follow up lyrics that i didn’t write were pretty bad but they pretty much state how I’m stubborn and how deep down I know the objective view. I don’t share this story with anyone because I know everyone would just misunderstand. I rather not go through that and just stay silent. What I kind of envisioned was a transition to anger to peace as the lyrics went on. A transformation rather, in the end I wanted to put together lyrics that represented how you can’t force someone to love you, just make yourself better. Either he/she comes around or doesn’t and as long as you took it to the final round with no regrets than you can move on. I hope for the best, but i’ managing my expectations. The distance is rather hard and tbh I don’t know what the best move is. Too many factors, really I just don’t want to fuck up. Success would be amazing…but the odds are against me.
I’m still hopeful, and optimistic.
people say, be selfish and do whats best for you…well they definitely don’t want me to follow that path then.
For the bolded lyrics, I don’t really feel that way but those were just my expressive raw emotions that came out.
as to the cause of those feelings…well